Weariness

I think this will be one of my most (painfully) honest posts yet.

I am tired of being a Christian, and of knowing Christians who don't follow Christ. No finger pointing here, because I am heading in that direction. It makes me ill to the core when people who proclaim to be Christians behave in a way that shame the cross. I digress.

It hit me today as I was having this conversation with my mum, that I have subconsciously or otherwise been so disillusioned with Christians that that is no longer a prerequisite when striking a friendship, when building a trusted relationship or finding a life partner for that matter. So very not biblical, eh? I'd admit, maybe I have been brainwashed recently by this guy I'm seeing who isn't a Christian. That aside, I could tell you stories. What about that guy before this who had a girlfriend all along, who is - check it out- Christian? And who conveniently forgot to tell me that he was attached all this time? I would just say he goes to church, much like I would go to a mall. What about that guy who broke my heart into pieces, that I thought my heart would die (or maybe it did), who effectively was the cause of my anorexia? He is a Christian through and through. Would you call a girl every night for a few months for hours each time, go out with her often and make her call you everyday no matter where you are so she could share her QT with you so you could discuss deep things of God together, because hey you love her as a sister-in-Christ? I don't need that really. Save it for the suckers who would.

I don't know why I blurted all of that out. But for way too long, that resentment and anger at being treated ridiculously by Christian men has made me very angry with them and with God. It's as if the Lord is creating a huge joke out of this. And now this guy who is not Christian, who seems so wrong but yet I cannot help but hang onto him even though I know I should probably let go before I get plunged back to the depths of depression. It's insane, really. And much as I hate, or perhaps subconsciously refuse, to admit it, I blame God.

I know, matters of the heart - such a silly reason to be angry with God, no? I agree. Could not agree more. But in my very rebellious state, I don't care really. I resent being alone for the rest of my life, with all these Job-like "friends" in the background telling me that His ways work higher than my ways and that I must have sinned and I should not blame God.

Sorry for the rant. It's bedtime now, and I can't help but feel that I need to get right with God. But somewhere, deep down within, those years of hurt, of simple pure faith and of being let down time and again, that kind of disappointment, it's hard to ignore.

claire.