Losing yourself

I should probably be asleep at 1.48am on a Monday morning, but sleep eludes me. In the past couple of days, I have gone through an emotional rollercoaster of sorts. I surprised myself. Perhaps I ought to have known. Perhaps I should never have allowed myself to play with fire, thinking I'm old enough now and I'll never get hurt. I never expected our time together to grow on me, that when it is no more, it feels like a part of me is gone. When you give so much of yourself away, without a sure sign that you will not lose it all, that sense of immense vulnerability I cannot explain. I feel fear as it should not be, not in God's word. "Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." - John 14:22

I am going to bed now. I hate this sense of deep anxiety. I am ashamed to bring it to the Lord in prayer, perhaps because I know what He would say. Why do I do this to myself? I am so wretched, Lord. Help me, for I do not know how to help myself.
xx
claire.