Work and Sunday nights...and Settling.

So it's a public holiday here and on a quiet Sunday night which ought to be reserved for catching up on Gossip Girl (don't even ask me why I watch this; embarrassingly, I enjoy it), I am seated on my now half torn leather chair - working.

Reading up before my conference call tomorrow morning with a dear client who took a year - 1 year and 7 months, to be exact - to revert on an advice. Now, I appreciate that the advice was 15 pages long (quite reasonable since the questions were two pages long), but whoever takes a year to come up with questions? Expectedly, I would think said client does not wish to pay for the follow up queries, and even more expectedly, said client would want an update on the changes in the laws and regulations which occurred to date. If I have a single gripe, it's that the regulatory authorities here work waayy too hard. They change the laws every other day! Taking a step back, it is all very impressive if you ask me. But pity us, won't you... each time, just as I am decidedly very pleased that I am finally familiar with the law, you just have to change it.

B*tchfest is over. I promise it is the late night and the looming Monday blues speaking.

In other news, without divulging too much for obvious reasons, I'm afraid I'm not quite as out of it as I would like. Sometimes this seems like a giant joke. Or a dream (not quite a nightmare). Some days when my eyes open and stare at that familiar bedroom ceiling, I wish someone would tell me, hey dream's over, he ever existed, figment of your imagination. On many other days, when the smses appear on my phone, I know I'm not dreaming. I could choose to stop this if I want to. But I don't know if I want to. This is all too complicated for me. Why could not life be that much simpler? Yet I believe this is because God knows that He has not built me that way, that if I were to live the typical life that too many do here - go to Uni, grow up (or believe you have), find someone you could marry (not too appalling, someone you don't mind but perhaps could never really love in the way God meant love to be - see Song of Songs), move in, give birth, and live with three fat babies crying, waking up at odd hours of the morning, live the days, count the hours, go to work, darn - I could not. That is a prison I could not imagine, and one I see too many settle for. I don't believe I am better than them or vice versa. To each his own, I always believed. I just hope I have that integrity and simple faith to stick it through, to hold out for what He had always intended for me.

xx
claire.

Count I will

Despite how this may be cliché and tired-sounding after the three million and one blogs on thanksgiving, I decided that I have to do this. Not for tradition's sake but really to remind myself of how beautifully blessed I am. Count I will, and here I go.

I am truly grateful for:

1. My family -

My dearest Daddy, whom I know loves me more than I know. Even though you do not explicitly say so but your actions shout it out so loud. They say, ignore the words for words are cheap; just look at the actions. I love you, too.

My dearest Mummy, whom I know loves me to pieces, with a vast, boundless and sacrificial love. I will give anything to have, and be, a mother like you. I love you, too.

My beloved brother: I am glad I wrote that piece on your birthday. The wonderful Lord, He works in beautiful ways, doesn't He? Thank you for everything. I love you, too.

My beloved sister, aka my dearest Cong: Thank you for the joy you bring to this family. For your patient, kind and loving temperament that puts me to shame. Each day, I cannot believe that we are close friends despite our 9 year age gap. I love you, too.

Truly, 'I am everything I am, because you love me'.

2. My best friend

Eleven years ago, we were strangers. Actually, make that very mere acquaintances. Rather, I remembered you as the very bad-tempered friend of a friend (you do have a very black face, you know; but a heart of gold :D).

Eleven years later - of shared secrets, hopes and dreams, of love lost, of travelling experiences, of tender moments and of a quiet and sure love - I am eternally thankful for a bestest friend and soulmate in you. God did a beautiful, beautiful thing that very day when I shared with you that which would bring us together.

Here's to drossing around our favourite place at 80 years old and on walking sticks :). I love you, too.

3. My job

I would never imagine myself saying this, say, two years ago. Indeed, He has brought me a long, long way. To where I am now, with healed relationships and a sense of confidence despite the new challenges each day. Simply remembering what He has brought me through brings me to my knees, with gratitude. I am here for a season. I don't know when this season will end, but if and when it does, I would not regret a single minute spent in this place. For it made me who I am today, stronger as an individual and in Him.

4. Love lost

I think of him today with a distant sort of fondness. If that makes sense. We last met a year or two ago, and probably wouldn't meet anytime soon. That's fine; I have long ago come to terms that it was not meant to be. I will probably never understand why. Sometimes still, I whisper to Him, what the h*ll Lord, why? He was so right and it was so right. I don't know and I guess I will only ever know when I see Him face to face.

Yet I thank Him for I felt Him say time and again that He has brought, and will bring, each person into our lives for a reason. He taught me what it was to love God before any (and I mean any) human being; I will never forget the conversations we had when I was so broken from my illness, and he was simply there to ease me back to Him. I could be long lost from His kingdom, if not for him and God working through him. Thank you, for that.

5. Long runs

I love 'em. They clear my head like nothing else would. Try one, with worship songs pounding away in your ears. Perfect for a heart to heart with Him.

6. Chocolate

I have descended into the frivolous, if you haven't already noticed. But hey, who says these aren't things to be grateful for? Love, love, love CHOCS. Endorphins, endorphins and yet more endorphins! Just had some choc daifuku flown all the way from Tokyo. Hearts to my lovely friend who sent them :)

7. Friends

A friend is a 'person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of s*xual or family relations'. (I am blocking out any potential words that may get my blog deleted, which apparently occurs randomly.)

I am grateful for real friends, not the ones who stab you in the back. Not the ones who smile and pretend they adore you. The ones whom you know will stick with you through thick and thin, through smiles and tears, whom you know your secret is safe with. Heck, whom I can trust my life with.

I can count them with both hands. That is an endangered specie, all by itself. I am thankful.

8. Make-up

How frivolous am I? At the risk of sounding defensive, I have to say I am grateful for make-up, because I guess vestiges of my illness remain in the form of self-esteem or lack thereof. I don't think I've ever stepped out of the house nowadays without some form of make-up. Exceptions of course apply when I go for a run. Call me vain if you will. I will honestly admit that I guess that plays a part, but more than anything else, it is a self-esteem issue. (I cannot believe I just admitted that. This blog had better remain forever anonymous.)

9. Coffee, coke, caffeine!

I am such a caffeine fiend. Honestly, I am grateful for it. Not for the yellow teeth and bad stains. I guess, it makes me a lean, mean, efficient machine. I need to cut the dose, I believe. But I am thankful for this amazing creation, or rather, discovery.

10. Dearest God

Last but not least. My dearest Lord, Jesus Christ. Without whom I am nothing. I struggle each day to draw closer to You in recent times. Yet You never fail to reach out to me in my darkness and unbelief. Father, I believe, help my unbelief, Lord, I pray. I thank You for carrying me through each storm of life - through my debilitating illness anorexia, my ridiculous number of years of education and countless exams, my long droughts in my walk with You, my lack of faith and sitting on the fence, my struggles with You, the thoughts of giving it all away, the fear of so many things that this life can bring, the back-stabbers (albeit very smiley ones) and the physical, emotional and mental pain - through it all, Father. Thank You for You.

I am feeling so rich now, I could burst.

xx
claire

Bless the Broken Road

I set out on a narrow way, many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Yes He did

I think about the years I spent, just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost, and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there, you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

But now I'm just rolling home into my lover's arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you.


Currently on my ipod repeat list. Beautiful, beautiful song. May you (assuming you desire so) play this at your wedding one day...and mean it:) He has made all things beautiful in His time. If only we (I) could see it more often, and cease to doubt.

xx
claire

Happy Birthday, My Dearest Lil Brother

My Dearest Brother,

Happy Birthday to you.

I sat down today thinking about our 'sibling-ship'. I recall the days of old, before you got your first girlfriend (7 years ago!), when we used to talk about everything under the sun and moon and stars, when we used to be best friends. I miss those days. I recall too the days before you came to the Lord, when you were so shattered when your first girlfriend broke your heart. That you cried and I remember we sat down on the floor of my room, when together we prayed and I committed you so securely into the hands of Him who loves you so very much.

I remember when I asked if you believed in God, if you would say the sinner's prayer with me. And I remember the immense sense of deep joy I felt, when I could see it in your eyes and sensed it in your spirit that you did. And how you did.

Today, I see you grow from strength to strength in Him, in leaps and bounds. And my spirit leaps too, at that thought. Beautiful are your feet for you bring His good news.

Over the years, I see how we have slowly drifted apart primarily as we grow up and lead our own separate lives. And also with your car and active social life, you hardly spend any time at home. I'd admit I resent the way you throw your temper, the way you treat this home like a hotel sometimes, the way you show irritation at so many things. Yet deep down when I reflect upon it, I see how the Lord has already changed you in so many ways and I know He is still doing a great work in you.

So today, I want to celebrate you for the wonderful brother that you are. I truly appreciate how you are just like a good friend to me, a lovely brother-in-Christ. I am refreshed by our morning conversations when you send me to work, when we share about things of Him, when I hear and see how simple yet deep your faith is. When I see how He has altered the way you see and live your life, I am truly heartened, encouraged and grateful. And thank you, for not complaining when I drag you up to give me a lift to work.

Thank you, mostly, for loving an imperfect sister such as me. A couple of days ago, I was feeling really down, when I saw the lil ornament you had given me years ago which says:

"My Sister,
A golden string no one can see has bound us from the start;
My very precious sister;
It's Love that ties our hearts."

I could not help but tear at that. I thank God for giving me a brother and a brother in Christ in you. Siblings sometimes fight to no end, and people are constantly amazed that we are like close friends. Nothing short of one of the largest blessings God has bestowed me with, I would say.

So Happiest of Birthdays, my Dearest Little Brother. I hope you know how much you mean to me.

God bless you with His richest, and Immeasurably More.

In His love,
your lovely sister :)

And now for some memories of the lovely food at Etna @ Upper East Coast

Now, the order is entirely intentional (in my humble preference).

Linguine con Capesante

Flat pasta with scallops in a pink lobster sauce

I say yums! Can't say no to scallops and pink lobster.

Capricciosa
Tomato, mozarella cheese, boiled eggs, cooked ham

I give this a 7. Splatter some cheese and chilli, and it's 7.5
Pity about the crust, could have been harder and crunchier.


Linguine al Granchio e Crema de Aragosta
Flat pasta with crab meat in a pink lobster sauce

Don't ask me why but the sauce somehow tasted different!
I preferred the scallops version.

Etna
Mozzarella cheese, porcini mushrooms, parma ham,
cream cheese, pistachio (from Bronte in Sicily)

You would have thought a pizza named after the restaurant would be its signature dish.
Well, apparently not. It's its worst! (Are they trying to be funny here?)
In the words of my foodie sis expert, "very bland".

Vanilla and Chocolate Gelato

Earnest, but vanilla tastes sour.
Redeemed by the dark chocolate.

Vanilla and Hazelnut covered in Pistachio

Very Kinder Bueno to me. Not too bad!

I would give it an overall 7. Not fantastic, but for the prices (less than 20 per person), what more can you ask?

When joy is spelt F.O.O.D

Food cam-whoring day. So here goes. Not very many words are necessary. ;)

Seriously, did I really consume these in one day?

Beautiful thing is - praise the Lord - I don't care! Am truly grateful, once again, for this freedom to savour food. For He shall set you free, indeed.

Marinara Spaghettini at Canelé Pâtisserie Chocolaterie
Mussels, scallops, squids, prawns
cooked in white wine tomato sauce with chilli and Italian parsley

Great, fresh seafood; and above average pasta.

Nougatine Sweet Crepe
Filled with Nutella (!), salty caramel, caramelized Filo,
Nougatine ice cream (!!), vanilla crème chantilly

Killing me softly with Nougatine.
Not a fan of crepes, but this will so change your mind.

Abalone & Sliced Fish Congee
@ Crystal Jade
Need I say more?


Fried bean curd @ Crystal Jade
Not a tofu fan but this passes the test


Virgin tasting @ The Coffee Connoiseur

Yes, despite having one at the Fish Tank
Not as bad as rumours go, but some others taste better
(only IMHO, of course - can't get rid of the occupational hazard, can I.)


Unagi flavoured potato chips

Very unique. Very Japanese.
Very Yums; I meant Boomz (now I don't mean to be sarcastic, it is quite an apt word sometimes, don't you think?)

Also you get the very cheap thrill of pouring in the seaweed powder
and shaking it vigorously to your heart's content.

Just Perfect.

xx
claire.

Come Home Running

Without going into too much detail, I must praise Him for His amazing grace.

Never in my life did I think I would get myself into a situation such as this. Suffice to say, I placed myself in a position much like what my earlier post described - a shortchanged place. From the start, he was so clearly wrong. Yet I dabbled into the gray area. Nevermind, Lord, it's too early to tell.

Always trust your gut. Apparently (and I can testify to that) your mind picks up silent signs, body language and what not, that contribute to this idea or feeling you have about someone, commonly known as a gut feel. It is not an unidentifiable or illogical 'feeling'; it's a combination of the subtle signs your body is wired to pick up; stuff you never knew was there, or perhaps you did but unconsciously blocked out.

I treasure His gift of forgiveness. And I am so, so grateful that He has lifted me right out of this. Before it is too late.

It is scary to know that my previous post spoke exactly of what happened a couple of days thereafter. It was as if God knew. Well, not as if. God knew. To be honest, I regret it deeply. It was surreal, and on hindsight, terribly troubling. It was as if I had turned into someone I didn't know, overnight. Hello, stranger, I do not like you.

But I would not change the experience, which I know happened for a reason. he was worldliness personified - good looks (being English, maybe it's a preference for all who look different), interesting personality, same job thus sharing some sort of understanding, affectionate - name what the world looks for, and you have it. Yet he does not have the basic decency in so many things; he does not have the fear and love for Christ or even human beings. Very importantly, he does not respect me (when I say no, I mean no) and I believe all other women previously in my position.

I compromised. I settled. I naively believed in what my best friend so aptly coined 'counterfeit oneness'. The trap that so many women fall for. I who genuinely believe I would never be "so stupid" was taught a lesson. These women are not stupid; they are merely looking for love. But sadly, in all the wrong places.

Coming out of this, I am grateful that He showed me what the world is like. That He has far, far, FAR better Hope and Plans for me. That He loves me. Despite my failure. Despite my stubborn straying. Despite my denial of Him. Despite that I was caught in the middle, "between the altar and the door". He found me, right in the middle.

It is funny. You spend so much time running away from Him. Perhaps out of fear, out of disappointment at what life had dealt you. You run and you run and you don't want to look back. Yet, when you are panting and exhausted and you feel like you could run no more, you find that home seems no further than that doorstep from which eons ago you had stepped out. You find that He is right there, with His arms wide open, whispering to you to please come home.

Oh heart of mine, why must you stray?
From one so fair you run away
And one more time you have to pay
The heaviness of needless shame

Oh heart of mine, come back home
You've been too long out on your own
And He's been there all along
Watching for you down the road

So come home running
His arms are open wide
His name is Jesus
He understands
He is the answer
You are looking for
So come home running
Just as you are

Oh child of God so dearly loved
And ransomed by the Savior's blood
And called by name, Daughter and Son
Wrapped in the robe of righteousness

Whoever, or whatever, you are settling for: it is not worth it. I should know.

xx
claire

How Big is your God?

Uncanny, given that I was waiting to post part deux of my divine encounters with the Lord, that He blew me off my feet (once again) with this message. A bit long, but I needed to hear it.

How big is your God?

Waiting for God’s "Immeasurably More"

Cindi McMenamin

"Lori looked away as she sat across the table from me and told me something she knew I didn't want to hear.

"It's not that bad. I was over-reacting. Besides, it's better to have a little pain with him at times, than to be alone."

Lori was choosing to stay in a dating relationship that was clearly unhealthy and unsafe. I knew God had more in store for Lori. But Lori apparently didn't believe that. And she was settling for far less than she should.

So often we, as women, settle. We think, at times, that it's better to stay with a boyfriend who mistreats us - verbally, emotionally, or physically - than to have no man in our lives at all. We reason that it's better to stay at a job that we hate, than to look and pray for something better. We would rather be around negative people who bring us down than to feel we have no friends at all. And when we settle like that, we are clearly saying to God and others that He is not capable of giving us anything better.

I remember feeling that way, too. I had just met the man of my dreams. But he lived 1,000 miles away. And my on-again, off-again boyfriend of four years lived just across town. That relationship was convenient. It was comfortable (for the most part…except when I was crying my eyes out!). And it was better to be with someone, than to be alone, I remember thinking.

It was my sister who finally burst my unbelieving bubble with the truth.

"If you settle for what you have now, you are denying God the opportunity to bless you with a man who will love you like He intends for you to be loved. Don't break God's heart that way, Cindi. Let Him bless you with His best for you."

My fear to make a change was denying God the opportunity to bless me? God used those words of my sister's to convince me to trust Him and walk out of an unhealthy dating relationship that was slowly drying up my soul. And as I did…God proved Himself true to His Word. God had something far better for me. He was just waiting for me to believe it.

In Ephesians 3:20, we are told that God is "able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us."

In another translation, that verse reads: "God can do anything you know, far more than you can ask or think or imagine in your wildest dreams…." (The Message).

Now I can imagine quite a bit. I'm sure you can, too. And yet God promises to outdo far more than we can even imagine or dream up. That's pretty spectacular, if you really think about it. That gives us a glimpse of just how big and just how perfect our God is. He is a God who is able to do immeasurably more.

Are you settling for less? Do you know that you can do better in your dating relationship or your job or your present circumstance, but you just don't have the strength to make the change? Or are you holding onto something bearable because you feat God cannot bring you anything better?

Whether it be an unhealthy relationship or a job that is sucking the life out of you, you could be settling for second place when God has first place waiting for you in the wings.

Psalm 84:11 tells us "The Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless."

The God who counts the number of hairs on your head (Matthew 10:30), and records your days in a book (Psalm 139:16), and has thoughts of you too numerable to mention (Psalm 139:17-18) wants to blow your expectations out of the water by coming through in a mighty way for you. So let me ask you: How big is your God? You answer that question by what you are willing to accept and what you are unwilling to expect.

Lori ended up trusting that God had immeasurably more for her. She asked some friends to stand by her and hold her accountable, and she gained the strength to walk out of her hurtful relationship. She believed she'd be walking into a realm of loneliness, but she trusted her Lord, anyway. Today she is happy, healthy and blessed beyond reason.

Expect immeasurably more, my friend, when it comes to God's plans and purposes for your life. For you have an immeasurably big God who is waiting for you to believe it."