I started on an entirely different note, using entirely different words. Then I thought I am not writing to put up a front. So here you go, what you see is what you get.
I have been very preoccupied with him lately. Make that very very preoccupied. And it struck me how scary it is, when you subconsciously make someone the priority in your life (or at least one of them) it is so easy to be disappointed. You impose on them (again subconsciously or not) the ideals that you always imagined or expected of a perfect person. Except you forget there is no such thing.
Only God is perfect. What would it take to make me realise that? I mean, truly realise that.
How high you place that something or someone on the pedestal is how disappointed you will be. And I am terribly disappointed at the moment.
Serves me right.
I don't envy myself. And sometimes I wish I have the guts to call it quits. Or at least the simple respect for myself. Or even not that, at least the mustard seed of faith that the Lord Jesus Christ spoke of. I don't, I'm afraid, have even a millionth of that mustard seed in me right now. I feel lost and so far away from God it is not funny.
Yet the Lord has a strange way of reaching out - a very close friend told me today that no matter what state we are in we have to remember that God loves us all the same. Indeed, His love for me does not grow with what I do nor diminish with what I do or do not do. Although clearly this is no excuse for sinning, for continuing to push Him away and say Lord please stay out of my life. It was a fresh reminder that overwhelmed once again, much like a blast of cold air that shouted of His perfect love.
Only God is perfect. Would it be too late when I truly, if ever, realise that?
claire
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