So it's a public holiday here and on a quiet Sunday night which ought to be reserved for catching up on Gossip Girl (don't even ask me why I watch this; embarrassingly, I enjoy it), I am seated on my now half torn leather chair - working.
Reading up before my conference call tomorrow morning with a dear client who took a year - 1 year and 7 months, to be exact - to revert on an advice. Now, I appreciate that the advice was 15 pages long (quite reasonable since the questions were two pages long), but whoever takes a year to come up with questions? Expectedly, I would think said client does not wish to pay for the follow up queries, and even more expectedly, said client would want an update on the changes in the laws and regulations which occurred to date. If I have a single gripe, it's that the regulatory authorities here work waayy too hard. They change the laws every other day! Taking a step back, it is all very impressive if you ask me. But pity us, won't you... each time, just as I am decidedly very pleased that I am finally familiar with the law, you just have to change it.
B*tchfest is over. I promise it is the late night and the looming Monday blues speaking.
In other news, without divulging too much for obvious reasons, I'm afraid I'm not quite as out of it as I would like. Sometimes this seems like a giant joke. Or a dream (not quite a nightmare). Some days when my eyes open and stare at that familiar bedroom ceiling, I wish someone would tell me, hey dream's over, he ever existed, figment of your imagination. On many other days, when the smses appear on my phone, I know I'm not dreaming. I could choose to stop this if I want to. But I don't know if I want to. This is all too complicated for me. Why could not life be that much simpler? Yet I believe this is because God knows that He has not built me that way, that if I were to live the typical life that too many do here - go to Uni, grow up (or believe you have), find someone you could marry (not too appalling, someone you don't mind but perhaps could never really love in the way God meant love to be - see Song of Songs), move in, give birth, and live with three fat babies crying, waking up at odd hours of the morning, live the days, count the hours, go to work, darn - I could not. That is a prison I could not imagine, and one I see too many settle for. I don't believe I am better than them or vice versa. To each his own, I always believed. I just hope I have that integrity and simple faith to stick it through, to hold out for what He had always intended for me.
xx
claire.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Count I will
Despite how this may be cliché and tired-sounding after the three million and one blogs on thanksgiving, I decided that I have to do this. Not for tradition's sake but really to remind myself of how beautifully blessed I am. Count I will, and here I go.
I am truly grateful for:
1. My family -
My dearest Daddy, whom I know loves me more than I know. Even though you do not explicitly say so but your actions shout it out so loud. They say, ignore the words for words are cheap; just look at the actions. I love you, too.
My dearest Mummy, whom I know loves me to pieces, with a vast, boundless and sacrificial love. I will give anything to have, and be, a mother like you. I love you, too.
My beloved brother: I am glad I wrote that piece on your birthday. The wonderful Lord, He works in beautiful ways, doesn't He? Thank you for everything. I love you, too.
My beloved sister, aka my dearest Cong: Thank you for the joy you bring to this family. For your patient, kind and loving temperament that puts me to shame. Each day, I cannot believe that we are close friends despite our 9 year age gap. I love you, too.
Truly, 'I am everything I am, because you love me'.
2. My best friend
Eleven years ago, we were strangers. Actually, make that very mere acquaintances. Rather, I remembered you as the very bad-tempered friend of a friend (you do have a very black face, you know; but a heart of gold :D).
Eleven years later - of shared secrets, hopes and dreams, of love lost, of travelling experiences, of tender moments and of a quiet and sure love - I am eternally thankful for a bestest friend and soulmate in you. God did a beautiful, beautiful thing that very day when I shared with you that which would bring us together.
Here's to drossing around our favourite place at 80 years old and on walking sticks :). I love you, too.
3. My job
I would never imagine myself saying this, say, two years ago. Indeed, He has brought me a long, long way. To where I am now, with healed relationships and a sense of confidence despite the new challenges each day. Simply remembering what He has brought me through brings me to my knees, with gratitude. I am here for a season. I don't know when this season will end, but if and when it does, I would not regret a single minute spent in this place. For it made me who I am today, stronger as an individual and in Him.
4. Love lost
I think of him today with a distant sort of fondness. If that makes sense. We last met a year or two ago, and probably wouldn't meet anytime soon. That's fine; I have long ago come to terms that it was not meant to be. I will probably never understand why. Sometimes still, I whisper to Him, what the h*ll Lord, why? He was so right and it was so right. I don't know and I guess I will only ever know when I see Him face to face.
Yet I thank Him for I felt Him say time and again that He has brought, and will bring, each person into our lives for a reason. He taught me what it was to love God before any (and I mean any) human being; I will never forget the conversations we had when I was so broken from my illness, and he was simply there to ease me back to Him. I could be long lost from His kingdom, if not for him and God working through him. Thank you, for that.
5. Long runs
I love 'em. They clear my head like nothing else would. Try one, with worship songs pounding away in your ears. Perfect for a heart to heart with Him.
6. Chocolate
I have descended into the frivolous, if you haven't already noticed. But hey, who says these aren't things to be grateful for? Love, love, love CHOCS. Endorphins, endorphins and yet more endorphins! Just had some choc daifuku flown all the way from Tokyo. Hearts to my lovely friend who sent them :)
7. Friends
A friend is a 'person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of s*xual or family relations'. (I am blocking out any potential words that may get my blog deleted, which apparently occurs randomly.)
I am grateful for real friends, not the ones who stab you in the back. Not the ones who smile and pretend they adore you. The ones whom you know will stick with you through thick and thin, through smiles and tears, whom you know your secret is safe with. Heck, whom I can trust my life with.
I can count them with both hands. That is an endangered specie, all by itself. I am thankful.
8. Make-up
How frivolous am I? At the risk of sounding defensive, I have to say I am grateful for make-up, because I guess vestiges of my illness remain in the form of self-esteem or lack thereof. I don't think I've ever stepped out of the house nowadays without some form of make-up. Exceptions of course apply when I go for a run. Call me vain if you will. I will honestly admit that I guess that plays a part, but more than anything else, it is a self-esteem issue. (I cannot believe I just admitted that. This blog had better remain forever anonymous.)
9. Coffee, coke, caffeine!
I am such a caffeine fiend. Honestly, I am grateful for it. Not for the yellow teeth and bad stains. I guess, it makes me a lean, mean, efficient machine. I need to cut the dose, I believe. But I am thankful for this amazing creation, or rather, discovery.
10. Dearest God
Last but not least. My dearest Lord, Jesus Christ. Without whom I am nothing. I struggle each day to draw closer to You in recent times. Yet You never fail to reach out to me in my darkness and unbelief. Father, I believe, help my unbelief, Lord, I pray. I thank You for carrying me through each storm of life - through my debilitating illness anorexia, my ridiculous number of years of education and countless exams, my long droughts in my walk with You, my lack of faith and sitting on the fence, my struggles with You, the thoughts of giving it all away, the fear of so many things that this life can bring, the back-stabbers (albeit very smiley ones) and the physical, emotional and mental pain - through it all, Father. Thank You for You.
I am feeling so rich now, I could burst.
xx
claire
I am truly grateful for:
1. My family -
My dearest Daddy, whom I know loves me more than I know. Even though you do not explicitly say so but your actions shout it out so loud. They say, ignore the words for words are cheap; just look at the actions. I love you, too.
My dearest Mummy, whom I know loves me to pieces, with a vast, boundless and sacrificial love. I will give anything to have, and be, a mother like you. I love you, too.
My beloved brother: I am glad I wrote that piece on your birthday. The wonderful Lord, He works in beautiful ways, doesn't He? Thank you for everything. I love you, too.
My beloved sister, aka my dearest Cong: Thank you for the joy you bring to this family. For your patient, kind and loving temperament that puts me to shame. Each day, I cannot believe that we are close friends despite our 9 year age gap. I love you, too.
Truly, 'I am everything I am, because you love me'.
2. My best friend
Eleven years ago, we were strangers. Actually, make that very mere acquaintances. Rather, I remembered you as the very bad-tempered friend of a friend (you do have a very black face, you know; but a heart of gold :D).
Eleven years later - of shared secrets, hopes and dreams, of love lost, of travelling experiences, of tender moments and of a quiet and sure love - I am eternally thankful for a bestest friend and soulmate in you. God did a beautiful, beautiful thing that very day when I shared with you that which would bring us together.
Here's to drossing around our favourite place at 80 years old and on walking sticks :). I love you, too.
3. My job
I would never imagine myself saying this, say, two years ago. Indeed, He has brought me a long, long way. To where I am now, with healed relationships and a sense of confidence despite the new challenges each day. Simply remembering what He has brought me through brings me to my knees, with gratitude. I am here for a season. I don't know when this season will end, but if and when it does, I would not regret a single minute spent in this place. For it made me who I am today, stronger as an individual and in Him.
4. Love lost
I think of him today with a distant sort of fondness. If that makes sense. We last met a year or two ago, and probably wouldn't meet anytime soon. That's fine; I have long ago come to terms that it was not meant to be. I will probably never understand why. Sometimes still, I whisper to Him, what the h*ll Lord, why? He was so right and it was so right. I don't know and I guess I will only ever know when I see Him face to face.
Yet I thank Him for I felt Him say time and again that He has brought, and will bring, each person into our lives for a reason. He taught me what it was to love God before any (and I mean any) human being; I will never forget the conversations we had when I was so broken from my illness, and he was simply there to ease me back to Him. I could be long lost from His kingdom, if not for him and God working through him. Thank you, for that.
5. Long runs
I love 'em. They clear my head like nothing else would. Try one, with worship songs pounding away in your ears. Perfect for a heart to heart with Him.
6. Chocolate
I have descended into the frivolous, if you haven't already noticed. But hey, who says these aren't things to be grateful for? Love, love, love CHOCS. Endorphins, endorphins and yet more endorphins! Just had some choc daifuku flown all the way from Tokyo. Hearts to my lovely friend who sent them :)
7. Friends
A friend is a 'person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of s*xual or family relations'. (I am blocking out any potential words that may get my blog deleted, which apparently occurs randomly.)
I am grateful for real friends, not the ones who stab you in the back. Not the ones who smile and pretend they adore you. The ones whom you know will stick with you through thick and thin, through smiles and tears, whom you know your secret is safe with. Heck, whom I can trust my life with.
I can count them with both hands. That is an endangered specie, all by itself. I am thankful.
8. Make-up
How frivolous am I? At the risk of sounding defensive, I have to say I am grateful for make-up, because I guess vestiges of my illness remain in the form of self-esteem or lack thereof. I don't think I've ever stepped out of the house nowadays without some form of make-up. Exceptions of course apply when I go for a run. Call me vain if you will. I will honestly admit that I guess that plays a part, but more than anything else, it is a self-esteem issue. (I cannot believe I just admitted that. This blog had better remain forever anonymous.)
9. Coffee, coke, caffeine!
I am such a caffeine fiend. Honestly, I am grateful for it. Not for the yellow teeth and bad stains. I guess, it makes me a lean, mean, efficient machine. I need to cut the dose, I believe. But I am thankful for this amazing creation, or rather, discovery.
10. Dearest God
Last but not least. My dearest Lord, Jesus Christ. Without whom I am nothing. I struggle each day to draw closer to You in recent times. Yet You never fail to reach out to me in my darkness and unbelief. Father, I believe, help my unbelief, Lord, I pray. I thank You for carrying me through each storm of life - through my debilitating illness anorexia, my ridiculous number of years of education and countless exams, my long droughts in my walk with You, my lack of faith and sitting on the fence, my struggles with You, the thoughts of giving it all away, the fear of so many things that this life can bring, the back-stabbers (albeit very smiley ones) and the physical, emotional and mental pain - through it all, Father. Thank You for You.
I am feeling so rich now, I could burst.
xx
claire
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Bless the Broken Road
I set out on a narrow way, many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Yes He did
I think about the years I spent, just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost, and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there, you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
But now I'm just rolling home into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you.
Currently on my ipod repeat list. Beautiful, beautiful song. May you (assuming you desire so) play this at your wedding one day...and mean it:) He has made all things beautiful in His time. If only we (I) could see it more often, and cease to doubt.
xx
claire
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