Remembering

I often recall why I became a lawyer.

Childhood 'teacher' ambition plus embarrassing 'teaching imaginary classes' episodes aside, I did not in my wildest imagination think that I would grow up to be a lawyer.

The recollection process is, I believe, necessary, to constantly remind myself that the Lord has put me here, for this season (which is becoming very long drawn out but, at the moment, I am not uncomfortably uncomfortable).

I was walking closely with the Lord when I submitted my application for Law School. My second choice was Accountancy, which I genuinely (bless my ignorant soul) believed was where my other passion lay. Prayer after prayer, came silence, then more prayer, and more silences; but the day I sent in that large, brown envelope, I had a quiet, deep conviction in my heart. No audible voice sounded, no mind-blowing coincidences occurred and no Bible verse revelation descended. Yet, because I whispered quietly, repeatedly to Him, "Lord, whatever Your will is, I will follow. If I get into Law, Father, I know it will be Your will for me.", I knew then that His will would prevail.

Then came The Interview, for entry into one of the most prestigious (I believe till today, the best) law firm in this country. Little did I know that the interviewers were one of the two most feared Partners, and little did I know that I would not get my first choice and I would live to thank the Lord every moment of my life for it. Persistently, my first love then was Litigation. In every application to every firm, that was my first - and only - choice. Us, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed ones, have been, sub-consciously or otherwise, educated to believe that a lawyer is only a lawyer if he or she is a Litigation lawyer. Corporate counsel, what do they know?

So I say the Lord has a funny sense of humour. He made me a Corporate Lawyer, specialising in financial services work. Dryest of the Dry Legal Work, which I always believed (and still do). I say, 'He made me', because I believe He placed me here. I prayed every step of the way, asking Him for guidance, for His hand to show me, for Him to open doors, and to place me with a mentor He has chosen for me.

Five years, loads of all-nighters, hard work, shed tears, stressed-out weekends, backstabbing colleagues later, and with the benefit of that wonderful thing called hindsight, I say without a shadow of a doubt that I would have it no other way. True, I slogged, I cried and I fought, but also, I learnt (a lot - bless my boss), I laughed and I forged some lovely friendships. Most importantly, I felt this moulding process was necessary, as He was refining me, shaping me, and making me more like Him. I always thought, 'I wouldn't last a minute in this place, but with the Lord in me, I could last forever.' (Alright, not that I want to be here for a lifetime.)

Funny, don't you think, that you plod along, knock on God's door (sometimes a lil too loudly, in anger, in baffled silences and in fear) and scream and lose your temper at Him, thinking, blaming and asking God, 'why, why, why', you settle and mellow into a place where you see things from His secret place, where it's like a cloud has fallen away and, finally, you see the light streaming through, so brightly, so strongly, and so unmistakably. And you tell the Lord, 'Thank You, Father, for seeing it at the beginning.'.

I have three million (that's a tad exaggerated) other thoughts on my mind and it's a pity that I don't have the time to share them as and when I'd love to in the course of the week. It's a price I pay for being in this profession. But it's always like this, with things worth fighting for.

xoxo.
claire

nb: My earlier posts (which suggest I have no passion for my job) seem inconsistent with this one. The entries reflect my thoughts on good and bad days at work. Bottomline: I enjoy what I do, but I am hungry for more; not in the ambitious, corporate ladder-climbing sense, but more of what He wants to do in my life. More of a 'Lord, where do I go from here?' kind of reflection.